The Ultimate Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction!
by SlushieMonsterOfDOOM
Summary: Enter the ever pessimistic, ever antagonistic, ever...you get the idea. Enter Envy! Throughout the ENTIRE FMA series, he's nothing but a bother...but what in the world will happen when he meets the new Homunculus in town? Rated M for safety.
1. Shut Up, You Insolent Brat!

The Ultimate Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfic!

Part One: Shut up, You Insolent Brat! I Make the Rules Around Here! ...Right?

_Caution: If you haven't watched episode 29 of the Fullmetal Alchemist Anime, then you may be the teeniest bit confused. This Fanfic uses the Anime version of the Seven Deadly Sins, in which Wrath is a young boy, about nine, and Sloth is a woman in her early thirties._

_But also, I have switched around some things for my own use in this story as well. Lust is dead. Envy's love for violence is toned down a bit, so, he's more like an intelligent (?) playground bully. And also, screw Ed and Al, HOMUNCULI RULE! _

"Wrath, are you sure this is the right house? She doesn't look like a homunculus!" complained Envy.

"Listen, Pride gave me and you THIS address, okay?" said Wrath, in reply.

Wrath and Envy were positioned outside the window of a house on a seemingly normal street. According to Pride, this house was supposed to contain the new Lust. Envy scratched his exposed stomach and involuntarily started messing with his belly button. "Okay, Wrath," he began, still fiddling with his belly button. "You go in there and get her. Pride said her tattoo is on her upper right arm-- so check before you haul her out, okay?"

"Why do I have to go in there?" whined Wrath.

"Because I said so, you insolent brat!" ordered Envy.

"You're not the boss of me," pouted Wrath, crossing his arms over his skinny chest.

Envy sighed. He contemplating killing the annoying kid then and there, but unfortunately, much like the lady he'd kidnapped Wrath from, even Envy was unusually attached to him. "Fine then," scowled Envy. I'll go in and get her...she IS Lust after all, and I'm MUCH sexier than you!"

"I don't know what that word means, but okay!" agreed Wrath. Frankly, he would have agreed to anything Envy said as long as it meant getting his way.

"Alright, uh, Wrath...this window won't budge, can you get rid of it with Alchemy?" grunted Envy, who was trying to lift up the window into the girl's room.

"Sure I can, but Envy, this is a _sliding _window, and not the kind you lift up!" explained Wrath, sauntering over and sliding the window to the right. Envy muttered something about how he hated the modern kids that thought they knew everything, and slipped through the window with reptilian grace.

Once in the room, Envy rushed over to the girl's futon and lifted up her right sleeve to reveal the tattoo that all homunculi share. "#$%!" he exclaimed. "She is a homunculus!"

After standing there and brooding for about a minute, Envy leaned his mouth close to her ear and in a seductive tone whispered, "Time to wake up, little girl!"

The girl's eyes shot open and Envy jumped back when he saw their color: bright purple with little stars in the pupils. She sat up and snickered. "Heh, you look hot when you're naked!"

"W-what?!" exclaimed Envy, clapping his hands over his unmentionable region.

"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to invade your privacy, but when I just wake up, I can't control my powers."

Envy's face was beet red. "You have to turn that power off when you're around me, okay?! I have insecurities..."

The girl kicked her legs out of bed and looked Envy up and down. "I won't make any promises."

"Well then, I'll gouge your eyes out, bitch!"

"Fine, fine," she said, the little stars fading. "So, I'm guessing you and your adorable sidekick are here to recruit me to your group of evil doing?"

"How did you know?!" demanded Envy. "AND THERE'S NOTHING ADORABLE ABOUT WRATH!!"

"You guys talk really loud—and yes there is. You may be the sexy one, but I'd rather hang out with him all day."

Envy frowned, feeling a bit... envious about being considered less appealing than a nine-year-old. He soon got over it and then motioned toward the open window. The new Lust climbed through, and then stuck her head back through the opening just as Envy was about to step through. He was caught off guard by her head and in shock fell over on his butt. Completely ignoring Envy's excellent display of skill and coordination, the girl grinned and said, "Oh, and Envy, you and your siblings don't have to call me Lust. You can just call me Sae-chan if you want!"

"Sure, sure, whatever, just make sure not to stick your HEAD in the middle of me and Edward Elric when I'm about to KILL him—because I'm so hell-bent, that I WILL drive right through you."

Sae's face was blank for a second and then she said, "Nah, you won't kill him."

"OH YES I WILL!"

"Nah."

"YES!"

"Nah."

"YES!"

"Nah."

"YES I WILL! NOW, SHUT UP AND START WALKING!!!" by this time, Envy had crawled back through the window and was standing as tall as he could, facing Sae, with his hands on his hips and his face murderous.

"Oh, not only do you think you're going to kill Edward-kun, but you also think I'm going to _walk?!" _

"Well, uh, yeah, what else would you do...fly?" questioned Envy, coming across a puzzle he couldn't solve.

"No, you're going to carry me on your back!" proclaimed Sae, crossing her arms over her chest in a demanding way.

Envy started to protest, but as soon as he opened his mouth, a goofy smile slid onto Sae's face and the little stars appeared in her pupils.

"OKAY FINE! HOP ABOARD!" screamed Envy, losing his cool for the umpteenth time that night. Sae giggled and climbed onto Envy's skinny, yet muscular back.

"Okay, giddy up!" commanded Sae in a chipper voice, giving Envy's sides a little kick with her small feet.

"You're lucky you're, like, two feet tall, or I'd kill you right now!" growled Envy. Sae laughed and tugged at Envy's long, deep green hair.

"Stop that!" snarled Envy, swatting at Sae's hands as he started walking. As much as it pained him to admit, as annoying, perverted, and aggravating as she was, he kind of liked her. Nonetheless, with Sae messing with his hair and cooing to Wrath, this was going to be a looooong walk.


	2. My Bathtub Brings Envy?

Part Two: My Bathtub Brings All the Envious to the Bathroom (?)

"Okay idiots! We're finally here at the HQ," gasped Envy, heaving Sae off his back.

"Aw...done already? I was just beginning to get comfortable on that bony back of yours!" whined Sae.

"We...were...walking...for...two...hours...straight...how...can...you...not...be...bored?!!" panted Envy.

"Simple! I just used my powers on all the people we saw!" (What people? O_O)

"Uhnngg...I thought I told you...," began Envy, trying to get mad. The homunculus never got to finish his statement because he collapsed on the ground in exhaustion. At that, Wrath couldn't contain himself any longer. He started to laugh loudly, and quite hysterically. The impish child giggled until he was gasping for air, his misleadingly angelic face beet red. The gasps soon turned into hoarse, honking-like noises and he had to sit down in defeat.

Envy blushed and stood up shakily, weakly attempting to punch Wrath in the gut. "Shut... up...twerp..." was all he could manage before he collapsed again.

"You know what?" exclaimed Sae out of random.

"What?" asked Wrath, cheerfully, his temporarily unavailable voice becoming alive and chipper once more.

"I like you guys!" she said loudly, throwing her arms up in the air and providing a little hop for emphasis.

With the sound of Sae's obnoxious announcement, the door to the Homunculus HQ creaked open at the mercy of a beautiful woman with auburn hair. She gestured for Wrath and Sae to come in, and then frowned at Envy's crumpled heap of a body. "Oh Envy," she said maternally, squatting down next to him and patting his head. "If only you were this cute all the time!"

The woman was right, as Sae quickly noticed. Envy looked adorable in his sleep. When he was awake, he always looked angry and tense. The little girl was so caught up in staring that she didn't notice the door, which was swinging toward her quickly. In fact, she didn't notice anything until the door hit her square in the face. "Ow!" she exclaimed, clamping her hands over her nose and sliding to the ground. The door was at least fifty pounds of metal—and it had really hurt.

Sae buried the rest of her face in her hands and started to cry. In the midst of her weeping, she heard a sarcastic voice say, "Oh come now, Sae, are you really going to cry about that?"

Sae looked up to see Envy smirking down at her. She was so overjoyed that he was paying attention to her, that she jumped up and threw her arms around him. "Oh Envy-kun! You really do care!" Envy really didn't know how to handle this behavior, so he just blushed, looked at the sky, and waited for her to get off. Because of course, he was afraid that if he yelled at her, that she would cry more and squeeze him harder. It had nothing to do with any trace of burgeoning attraction.

When Sae finally detached herself from Envy, his face was some shade of infra, and he was almost positive that internal bleeding was taking place somewhere in between his esophagus and liver. She smiled up at him. Envy the big, bad homunculus gave a little cough to express his exhaustion and then patted her softly on the head.

Wrath broke the endearing (?) silence to make a monumental announcement. "I have to go potty!" he exclaimed, a little too happily.

For some reason, this angered Envy and he stomped over and kneed Wrath right in the crotch. "Try going to the bathroom now, imp!" Then, he laughed pseudo-maniacally. Wrath sank to the ground in a similar manner as Sae had before, his lower lip quiverring.

"W-why'd you do that, Envy?" he sniveled, playing up the pain to gain the sympathy of a certain brown-haired Sae.

"Yeah!" demanded Sae, falling into Wrath's trap and helping him his feet, his legs still shaky from the blow. "Why would you do something like that, Envy?"

"Um," began Envy, caught off guard by Sae. "Um, um...I don't...um...know...sorry." he said quietly. Sae nodded triumphantly.

The red-haired lady sighed copiously, reminding Sae that she was still there and glared at Envy. "Because you probably just disabled Wrath's ability to produce children, you will be responsible for taking the little Lust shopping tomorrow. By the way...," she turned to Sae. "I am Sloth." She stuck out her hand.

Sae shook it and then proceeded to say, "If you want, you can call me Sae instead of Lust."

"That will be okay," replied Sloth. "Anyway," she continued. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to share a room with Envy. I'm already sharing a room with Wrath, and Pride is with Gluttony. Greed never had a room here, and Envy is the only one who's staying alone, ever since the old Lust died."

Sae paused. Share a room with Envy? She swallowed and slowly nodded.

"Thank you for being so cooperative, Little One," smiled Sloth. Normally, Envy would've been arguing up a storm, but he was already condemned to shopping for the girl, and he really didn't want to push his luck.

"Envy!" sang Sae, tapping Envy's ivory shoulder.

"What?!" snapped Envy, pulling his shoulder away quickly. He was lounging on his bed with a very thick book called _The Capturing and Killing of Alchemists. _Sae jumped back, giggling. Nothing amused her more than messing with Envy. (And it was remarkable, because she'd only known him for a few hours.) 

"I'm going to take a shower, okay?" she informed him.

"'Kay," he said, shifting positions on his bed.

Sae skipped into her bathroom, which Wrath had dutifully created for her by transmuting Envy's entire wardrobe and all his belongings. (Except for the book he was reading currently, and his bed.) Of course, Envy had tried to rack Wrath's ...well... off yet again, but he missed and kicked the wall. This had created a huge crater, which Sloth discovered within a few minutes and forced Envy to clean the kitchen. Shocking turn of events, really.

Sae sighed in awe at the gorgeous bathroom that Wrath had created. For a kid, he had excellent taste. After undressing quickly, she flounced over to turn on the bath. Unfortunately, she was too weak to turn the heavy knob, four-foot-seven of a person couldn't really do that much, to her dismay. Nonetheless, determination got the best of her and she tugged and tugged at it, but it refused to budge. Eventually, Sae gave up and ran for the linen closet, grabbing a towel.

When she burst out of the bathroom into the room that Envy and she were sharing, her eyes met an awkward sight. Envy was standing with his back to her, and he was in the middle of pulling off his tight black shirty-thing. Sae blushed and turned around quickly. "Sorry!" she exclaimed.

"Uh," began Envy, too embarrassed to form coherent sentences. "Um, um, it's okay...uh...Sae...what did you...um, need?" Envy was a little confused. Why was it that he didn't have a typical violent outburst and destroy something that didn't belong to him? (Come now, he couldn't destroy something that _did_ belong to him, because Wrath already took care of that!)

"I need you to turn on the bath for me!" she chirped, undaunted by Envy's un-typical-Envious behavior.

"And why can't you do this yourself, dolt?" Envy smirked, returning to his normal attitude.

"Because it's too heavy!" exclaimed Sae, as if Envy was the stupidest person in the world for not knowing that.

"Whatever," scoffed Envy, stalking into the bathroom and twisting the knob. Hot water poured from the faucet and steam traveled around the room like wildfire. When Envy turned to leave, Sae blushed as she realized he had failed to put his shirt back on. Steam was surrounding him and his face was flushed from the heat. It was all Sae could do to keep from tackling him. Instead, she squeaked, "Thanks...Envy."

"Yeah, yeah..." replied Envy. He exited the bathroom, a cloud of steam following him as he went.

Sae continued to blush and replay the sexy moment in her head as she took her bath.


	3. What's Wrong With Envy?

Part Three: What's wrong with Envy? Seriously. Someone Tell Us.

Sae's eyes slowly opened to see Envy's grayish eyes wide open and staring at her. She yelped and jumped into a sitting position. Envy cackled devilishly. Sae was panting. "W-why'd you do that?" she whimpered. "No-one wants to wake up to creepy cat eyes!"

"That's the idea, dolt," replied Envy. He had become quite fond of that nickname for her.

"Hmmm, just for that, I think we can go to two malls today in order to pick out what I want," announced Sae, causing Envy to growl in protest.

"You can't do this to me! I hate shopping!" he whined, pathetically.

"Oh, I had no idea. Well, you'd better learn to like it, or else we'll go to three!" announced Sae.

"YAY SHOPPING!" yelled Envy, loudly. He grabbed his pillow and threw it at Sae's head with so much force that she fell off the edge of her bed. When she hit the ground, she turned a few somersaults on account of her low weight before falling still and staring blankly at the ceiling. Envy freaked out, idiotically thinking she was dead. If he had killed her, Wrath would turn him into a coat rack!

HERE LIES YE ENVIOUS COAT RACK.

Envy ran over to the other side of Sae's bed to see that she was very much alive. She hit him square in the face with her little fist. And then she racked him. Envy slumped over and lie down on the floor next to Sae. "I think all of us guys need some metal crotch armor...or automail...never mind..." said Envy, his voice trailing off. Wait a second, was he actually being funny? Oh God. This was not good.

Sae laughed and said, "Yes, the male Homunculi's one weakness, they don't have permeable crotches!"

Envy laughed along with her and added, "Screw the human remains!" Something was definitely wrong with him.

Suddenly, breaking the pleasant air, Sloth yelled from the kitchen, "Sae-chan! Envy-kun! Your breakfast1 is getting cold!"As soon as Sae heard 'breakfast' she jumped up and started running down the stairs, two at a time. Envy followed her slowly. He was still worried about his mental (and crotchal) health.

When Sae reached the kitchen, Wrath was violently eating a sausage and was reaching for one more with his fork. Sloth slapped his hand and said, "Wrath, you're going to be sick! I think nineteen sausages is enough!"

"Where does he put it all?" asked Envy, coming up behind Sae.

"God knows," replied Sloth. "Sae, come here and sit in between Wrath and me. I don't think you want to be anywhere near Envy. His eating habits are bizarre." Sae nodded and plopped down in her designated chair. She helped herself to some eggs, bacon and a few sausages (which Wrath stole). And then, as all Homunculi do, she grabbed a handful of Philosopher's Stone fragments and sprinkled it over everything.

Despite what Sloth had said, Sae was quite curious about Envy's food choices. She watched as he put some eggs on his plate, topping them with bacon and sausages. He then proceeded to put ketchup and syrup on them. After sprinkling some fragments on top, he began to eat it. Sloth, Wrath and Sae chorused an, "Ewwwwww."

"What?!" demanded Envy, his eyes slowly becoming purple because of the stone bits.

"Nothing," replied Sae, picking at her eggs. They had become a bit disturbing, now that she had seen what horrors could be done with them.

1 Before any of you say anything about Homunculi not eating...one word: GLUTTONY. Oh and one more: WRATH. He eats sausages like a pig in episode 29.


End file.
